Not Exactly Valentines
by ProfessorSpork
Summary: Because really, the first love letter Lily Evans ever sent to James Potter was a detention slip.
1. Of Numerology and Grammatica

Disclaimer: Pretty much anything you come across in this here fic, aside from those which I mention, belongs to Jo Rowling, and not myself. I, admittedly, got the idea for this fic from Limelight. Nabbed a little bit from Douglas Adams.

* * *

_From the Diary of Lily Catherine Evans_  
_September 1st, 1976  
__3:45 PM_

_Finally September first! I swear, if I had to go through one more day of Petunia planning her bloody wedding to that git Dursley, I'd have decapitated myself with my wand. When I told this to Ambrosia, she asked me if I meant that I'd use a spell or if I'd merely use my wand as a blunt stick to do the deed. I suppose I'd have done whichever is least painful._

_The man is just so extraordinarily average (and there would be the basis of his appeal to her, I assume.) Also, he looks as though he'll swell up any day now. If he isn't careful, he's going to pack on a bit (or a lot) of weight._

_The image of my stick of a sister being wed to a man the size of a baby beluga is a very amusing one._

_Emmeline Vance is our new Head Girl, and Barry Ryan made Head Boy. It's a wonder Barry's head hasn't exploded by now- being both prefect and Hufflepuff Quidditch Captain couldn't have been easy, and now he's got even more authority. I'm really glad that Dirk Cresswell made prefect this year- he's a great kid, Professor Slughorn introduced us last year._

_The candy cart lady will be around before long (note to self: find out her name. I've been interacting with the woman for five bloody years, it's ridiculous!) and after which I'll probably let Ambrosia, Jane and Megan convince me to play Exploding Snap even though I think it's dreadfully idiotic. Of course, it may just be that I'm bitter because I singed my eyebrows that one time in fourth year._

_The things I do for my friends._

* * *

**A Notice From… The Headmaster's Office**

_**Welcome, staff, to a new year! I'd just like to remind you all that you must be sitting at your place at the Head Table at 8:00 sharp, with of course the exception of Minerva, who must greet the first years.**_

**_While I'm at it, I'd also like to remind Professor Kettleburn to not have quite so much bubbly as he did at the Farewell Feast, as he got a nasty bite from a knarl after offering the creature some of the aforementioned bubbly. It's for your own good, Jacob._**

_**Yours, Albus.**_

* * *

_**Things the Marauders have found in their room since returning to Hogwarts that they were unaware of leaving (as dictated to Remus J. Lupin, alternatively known as Mr. Moony)**_

_**-five unmatched socks  
**__**-Mr. Wormtail's Transfiguration homework from third year that he never handed in  
**__**-Approximately 150 candy wrappers (all empty)  
**__**-three broken quills  
**__**-Mr. Prongs' ABC gum that he insists he shared with Deborah Finch (Mr. Padfoot voices extreme disbelief to this pronouncement)  
**__**-A cracked Remembrall that we're fairly certain belongs to Mr. Wormtail  
**__**-The body of Patrick the Puffskein, may he rest in peace**_

* * *

Mr. Prongs would like to say that he finds it absurdly anti-climatic that the first class of sixth year is this boring. 

**Mr. Padfoot is in complete agreement with Mr. Prongs, and wonders what Mr. Dumbledore was thinking when he hired this idiot.**

**_Mr. Moony is of the opinion that Mr. Dumbledore is getting a tad desperate, and would like to remind Mr. Prongs that he meant to say "anti-climactic," as anti-climatic means that one is against the weather._**

Mr. Prongs wishes to point out to Mr. Moony that it is raining outside and perhaps he meant what he wrote.

**_Mr. Moony thinks that you should stop passing notes and start TAKING notes, as this stuff may be on a test someday._**

**Mr. Padfoot would like to point out that no one takes notes.**

_Mr. Wormtail wishes it said that both Mr. Moony and Mr. Wormtail copy down what Professor Drednaught says._

**No you don't, you're passing notes.**

Mr. Prongs feels the need to reprimand Mr. Padfoot for not beginning his sentence with his nominative, and regretfully informs him that he will have to suffer the consequences.

**Mr. Padfoot laughs in the face of danger.**

_**Mr. Moony wishes to point out that Mr. Padfoot has also scooted his desk a good foot or so away after writing that.**_

_Mr. Wormtail thinks we should put this parchment away before we're seen._

* * *

**A Notice From… The Desk of Professor G. E. Drednaught, Defense Against the Dark Arts**

**Cause for Notice: **_Disciplinary action._

**Notes: **_Students Black, Sirius; Lupin, Remus; Pettigrew, Peter; and Potter, James were caught passing notes in class. Suitable punishment: separate detentions, helping Mr. Filch._

* * *

_**Hey, Lily.**_

_Ambrosia, I'm trying to take notes! _

_**Nonsense, you haven't taken notes in History of Magic since third year.**_

_Is there a point to this? _

_**Yes, of course!** _

_Well?_

_**Priya Joshi and Sanjiv Patil have finally started going out!** _

_When did that happen? _

_**This summer, I only just found out!** _

_Hey, if they get married, she'll be Priya Patil._

_**Hope she likes P's.**_

* * *

Mr. Prongs has just had an extremely brill idea. 

**Mr. Padfoot is of the opinion that if Mr. Prongs thinks his own idea is brill, then it probably isn't.**

Bollocks.

_**Mr. Moony advises both you lads to tread carefully.**_

**And?**

_**And that's all.**_

That's pretty crap advice, Moony. But since I'm such a kind, forgiving soul, I will advise you to stay out of the Common Room tonight.

_Do we want to know why?_

Hmm… any chance we still have those balloons from Padfoot's birthday party?

_**No, Wormtail… I don't think we want to know.**_

* * *

**A Notice From… The Student Authority Center**

**Prefect Issuing Notice: **_Evans, Lily _

**Student Receiving Notice: **_Potter, James_

**Cause for Notice: **_Disruption of student study in Gryffindor Common Room._

**Suitable Punishment: **_Lines._

* * *

_Dear Mr. and Mrs. Potter- _

_It is my regret, as Head of Gryffindor House, to inform you that both James and Sirius (who, I have been told, is now in your care) have already had cause to receive disciplinary action in these few days since the start of term. James two, Sirius one._

_I am hoping that you will be able to convince them to put an end to- for lack of a better word- marauding. They are smart boys- they simply lack restraint._

_Best,_

_M. McGonagall._

* * *

I will not throw water balloons indoors.

I will not throw water balloons indoors.

I will not throw water balloons indoors.

I will not throw water balloons indoors.

I will not throw water balloons indoors.

I will not

Evans, can I do something else? This is boring.

_Unfortunately, Potter, it is my job, and not yours, to decide what your punishment is. You have 95 more repetitions to go. I don't want to be here all night, so get to it._

Okay, A) Have you ever noticed you use a lot of commas when you write? And also, B) I only have 94, thank you.

_"I will not" and then stopping isn't a full repetition. Now stop writing me notes and get to work._

_Potter, when I tell you to stop writing me notes, it isn't an excuse to talk to me._

Maybe I just like the sound of my own voice.

_That doesn't surprise me in the least. Get to work Potter, before I make you._

I will not throw water balloons indoors.

I will not throw water balloons indoors.

I will not throw water balloons indoors.

* * *

**Moony!**

_**Mr. Moony wishes that you would not pass notes to him, as he's trying to learn, and would also like to remind you that last time we passed notes in class we were given detention.**_

**Mr. Padfoot is hurt that Mr. Moony believes Mr. Padfoot would only bother him with trivial things. This is important. Also, that was the time before last, not last time. Losing your memory, Moony?**

_**Whatever. What is it?**_

**Look at Prongs!**

_**Why?**_

**What's that he's doing?**

_**Gawking at Lily. Good things she's taking notes (rather like I'D like to!)**_

**Does Mr. Prongs always breathe like that when he looks at Miss Lily?**

_**It doesn't appear that he's breathing.**_

**That's what worries me.**

_Should we do something?_

**Of course not, Wormtail. If he passes out, she'll obviously run to his side and nurse him back to health.**

**_Oh, is that what she'll do? Mr. Moony is rather under the impression that Miss Lily, compassionate as she is, will merely laugh at Mr. Prongs' unconscious form._**

**Of course you would think that, Moony. But I, unlike you, am a lurve genius. Mr. Padfoot does not expect others to share his deep understanding of the workings of the heart.**

_Deep understanding of the mickey, more like…_

* * *

Hey, Evans.

Yes, I realize you're trying to study, which is why I thoughtfully wrote you this note instead of breaking your concentration by speaking to you.

No need to shout.

_Potter, what do you want?_

Fancy a snog in the Astronomy Tower?

* * *

**A Notice From… the Deputy Headmaster's Office **

_It is now illegal to throw study materials of any kind. I would have thought this would be a given._

_- M. McGonagall._

_

* * *

**Hospital Wing: Patient Log**_

**Name of Patient: _Potter, James  
_****Injuries: _Broken jaw  
_****Cause of Injuries: _Hit with a copy of 'Numerology and Grammatica'_**

**Name of Patient: _Evans, Lily  
_****Injuries: _Strained bicep  
_****Cause of Injuries: _Throwing a heavy object (suspected to a be copy of 'Numerology and Grammatica')_**

**Name of Patient: _Black, Sirius  
_****Injuries: _None, complains of a busted gut  
_****Cause of Injuries: _Laughter_**

* * *

_From the Diary of Lily Catherine Evans_  
_September 4th, 1976  
__10:34 PM_

_James Potter is the biggest prat I have ever met. I'm going to kill him. I am seriously considering homicide. It's his fault that I'm writing this entry with my left hand- I strained something when I threw my copy of Numerology and Grammatica at him. At least I broke his jaw…_

_Hmm. Thinking about causing him bodily harm makes me feel better. Does that made me a sadist? Ah well, I can't really care about it right now. I'd much rather consider some ways to get revenge on Potter._

_I'll have him hung, drawn, and quartered. And whipped. And boiled... until... until... until he's had enough. And then… and then I'll do it again! And when I've finished I will take all the little bits, and I will JUMP on them! And I will carry on jumping on them until I get blisters, or I can think of anything even more unpleasant to do..._

_Potter just asked me if I'm feeling alright, because I started laughing halfway through writing that. And as much as I hate to admit he could be right about anything, when one laughs while writing down ways to torture someone else (even if that someone else is James Potter) all signs point to sadism._

_This cannot be the way to emotional satisfaction._

_

* * *

_**SUGGESTIONS WELCOME!**


	2. Of Betting and Parties

Disclaimer: I feel sorry for whomever tries to put Sirius in a cage. Not that you'd need to, if you owned him, but you know…. Just saying.

Andivari: The sad part is, you're right.

Rebecca: Overdone and aggravating? Nonsense

Anna: Yes, it will (hopefully) all be "written stuff."

A/N I'm glad you all think this is so great!

* * *

**Mr. Padfoot wishes to make a bet.**

_**Mr. Moony is intrigued, but far too intelligent to blindly place his money on one of Mr. Padfoot's schemes- especially seeing that Mr. Padfoot is too chicken to actually voice his bet in front of Mr. Prongs, and chooses to write it down instead.**_

_Mr. Wormtail readily inquires what it is we're betting on._

_**Mr. Moony seconds.**_

**Mr. Padfoot bets 15 Sickles that Mr. Prongs will fail his latest attempt to woo Miss Lily, and goes further to say that Miss Lily will cause bodily harm to our poor, lovesick Mr. Prongs.**

_**Mr. Moony will take that bet, as he believes Miss Lily has more self restraint than Mr. Padfoot gives her credit for.**_

_Mr. Wormtail wishes to remind Mr. Moony that the last time Mr. Prongs did this, Miss Lily threw a book at him.._

**Quills down, gentlemen, the show's starting.**

**

* * *

**

**Gringotts Bank Transaction Sheet**  
**7 September, 1976  
****9:47 PM**

**The amount of 15 Sickles has been transferred from vault 422 (Lupin, Remus) to vault 537 (Black, Sirius.)**

**Furthermore, the amount of 15 Sickles has been transferred from vault 666 (Pettigrew, Peter) to vault 537 (Black, Sirius.)**

**

* * *

**

**Mr. Padfoot has just had a brill idea.**

_**Oh dear god. Is this anything like Mr. Prongs' brill idea?**_

**Of course not. Mr. Prongs' brill ideas get him detentions with Miss Lily- my brill idea will do no such thing. Although, coincidentally, it does have quite a bit to do with both Miss Lily and Mr. Prongs.**

_Well I'm scared, Mr. Moony, are you?_

_**Extremely, Mr. Wormtail.**_

* * *

**Come one, come all, and place your bets on Lily Evans and James Potter, the Duo-in-Denial (better, wittier name forthcoming). There are four categories in which you can place your bet, and here they are. You may change your bet at any time.**

**Here are the categories:**

**1. They Will Kill Each Other Within a Week (Two Weeks, Three Weeks – You Pick)  
2. Snogging in the Closet In a Week (Two Weeks, Three Weeks – You Pick)  
3. Kill Each Other Within a Day (Two Days, Three Days – You Pick)**  
**4. Snogging in the Closet In a Day (Two Days, Three Days – You Pick)**

**Please, don't worry about them ever seeing this. It's enchanted so that if either of them look at this, they'll see a poster for the Gobstones Club (a big thanks to Davy Gudgeon for letting us use his club!)**

**Please, keep your mouths shut around them about this, 'kaisies?**

**- The Illustrious Sirius Black**

**

* * *

**

_From the Diary of Lily Catherine Evans  
__September 11th, 1976  
__4:32 PM_

_Something is going on, and I'm not quite sure what._

_For the last few days, people have been giving me the strangest looks- it's getting extremely disconcerting. They're all whispering and pointing and whatnot. Ambrosia says that I'm just being paranoid, but then again, she's been hanging about by the Common Room notice board with everyone else, and when I ask her about it, she just mutters something about Gobstones Club and excuses herself._

_I think Potter's been getting it too, but I could be wrong, as he's always been whispered about and pointed at- especially when he does that stupid thing with his hair, which he has been doing far too often since he announced Quidditch team tryouts._

_Git._

_At least he's been leaving me alone for the most part since I broke his jaw._

* * *

**A Notice From… The Deputy Headmaster**

_Since all the House Tryouts have been held, the far end of the Quidditch pitch has become extremely filthy with litter. Just because you can't see it from the castle doesn't mean it doesn't have to be clean, too. All who wish to be part of a special cleaning crew may sign up on the sheet outside the Great Hall.._

_- M. McGonagall._

* * *

**Clean-up Sign-up Sheet **

1. Stubby Boardman

2. You-Know-Who

3. Cornelius Fudge

* * *

**A Notice From… The Deputy Headmaster**

_The lack of response to the cleaning sign up sheet is disgraceful. It is time you all learned a bit of responsibility. The clean-up date is officially set for September 19th. For those of you who cannot count or clean, that gives you students two days to sign up. If there are no signatures on it by that time, we will be forced to start picking people. _

_- M. McGonagall._

* * *

**A Notice From… SIRIUS BLACK**

**For all those who are interested, there is to be a beach party (okay, so the lake isn't exactly a beach…) on the 19th. There will be music, dancing, and girls in bikinis. What more can you ask? Your ticket in is your signature on the cleanup crew. Don't worry though; the Quidditch Pitch will be cleaned long before the first partygoers arrive. So come one, come all, and remember, keep this secret from McGonagall.**

* * *

**A Notice From… The Headmaster's Office**

_**Minerva, I want to congratulate you on your inspiring message- I have never seen so many students sign up for a project before!**_

_**It's nice to see that they recognize the need for civic duty.**_

_**Yours, Albus.**_

* * *

_From the Diary of Lily Catherine Evans_  
_September 17th, 1976  
__5:03 PM_

_So._

_Potter and his little friends are putting on a party. _

_I guess it's sweet, in an odd, illegal sort of way. Makes the teachers happy and all. Still, a party is a party, and a party put on by Sirius Black will be ten times as worse._

_Why do I get the feeling that the pitch will end up dirtier than it started out?_

* * *

**So, Moony, you're going to help me and Wormtail and Prongs clean up before the party tomorrow, right?**

**_Padfoot, you should be happy that I didn't report this little party of yours. I am a prefect._**

Come on, Moony, where's your sense of adventure?

_**It's being forcibly restrained by my tact and good sense.**_

Says the boy who's passing notes in class.

_It will be fun. _

**Please, Moony?**

It won't be the same without you.

_**Oh, just stop it. You knew I'd help you from the beginning, anyway. I don't know why I bother.**_

Neither do we.

* * *

**Watch Log of Argus Filch-** 19 September.

The corridors are strangely quiet tonight.

* * *

_From the Diary of Lily Catherine Evans_  
_September 19th, 1976  
__10:56 PM_

_I am going to bloody kill James Potter. I was wrong, he wasn't leaving me alone._

_He was BIDING HIS TIME._

_I suppose it's partly my fault for going to his stupid little party anyway. I tried not to, I pulled every trick in the book… but it's hard to make the excuse that you don't have a bathing suit when all you have to do is Conjure one up._

_So the girls and I went down to the lake, where the party was already in full swing. I don't know how he did it, but somehow Black managed to convince the house elves to set up a buffet table and dry bar._

_I hate it when the idiots are in power._

_So I'm hanging around with Megan and Jane (Ambrosia went off to talk Quidditch with that Davies guy from Ravenclaw) and so Potter comes up to me and he's all "Evans" and I'm all "Potter, go away."_

_I'm sure the conversation was a tad more lively and scathing than that, but I'm far too angry to remember it now. He went into this whole big song and dance about how he couldn't believe I'd shown up because I was no fun at all, and since I was there I may as well swim and I don't know how it happened, but he somehow managed to push me into the lake with not so much as a by-your-leave._

_So I, of course, retaliated by stepping out with dignity, grabbing my wand and levitating him above the deepest part of the lake and dropping him in._

_I hate him._

* * *

**1. They Will Kill Each Other Within a Week: 13 bets  
2. Snogging in the Closet In a Week: 0 bets  
3. Kill Each Other Within a Day: 54 bets  
4. Snogging in the Closet In a Day: 4 bets**

**Hmm… doesn't look so good for poor Lily and James, does it? They were so young, so young…**

* * *

SUGGESTIONS (that are not "update quickly," as I got that bit already) ARE WELCOME! 


	3. Of Hopscotch and Stalking

Disclaimer: Jamie Redwall belongs to me.

-ShIvErInG sMiLe-: Thanks for the reviews (cheater).

Procrastinator-starting2moro: Thanks for the reviews- your pen name cracks me up.

Marvinlebt42: Steve, if we follow the logical timeline, is a year old in '76. Not exactly a barrel of laughs yet.

Hero the Priestess: Hehehehehe…. I just may do that….

Donkeykong27: High praise, that. Thanks!

Shoofly: You're a genius.

Cheeakee: I know the feeling, I do that all the time. Especially whilst reading Charminglyholly's stuff, that girl is a genius.

TwoTrack Mind: Hey look, another evening made! …I hope.

* * *

Mr. Prongs has had another one is his brill ideas.**_Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Prongs is becoming too much like Mr. Padfoot._**

**Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Moony is just angry because Mr. Padfoot has made a small fortune off his last brill idea.**

_And if that's the case, Mr. Wormtail is in complete agreement with Mr. Moony, and recommends that Mr. Padfoot share._

**It's my precious and you can't have it.**

It's your what now?

**_He's making an allusion to a muggle novel. Padfoot, since when have you read Lord of the Rings?_**

**Since I found out it annoys the hell out of my mother when I read muggle stories about magic. But we're getting off track- you were writing, Mr. Prongs?**

Do we have any chalk?

**

* * *

**

**A Notice From… The Deputy Headmaster's Office**

_The culprit who drew enchanted hopscotch squares in the Charms corridor WILL be found and punished severely. Those who are still affected by said enchantment are exempt from their studies until we find a way to make them stop hopping about._

_- M. McGonagall_

* * *

_From the Diary of Lily Catherine Evans_  
_October 5th, 1976  
__3:45 P.M._

_I hate Potter and everything he stands for._

_And thanks to him, now I hate hopscotch, too._

_

* * *

_

James Potter  
8/10/76

Transfiguration Notes:  
The Effects for Improper Self-Transfiguration on the Human Body

Lily Evans

Lily Potter

Lily Evans-Potter

James Evans (?)

Mrs. Potter

Mrs. James Potter

Mr. and Mrs. Potter

Lily and James Po-

**Prongs, stop it. **

**

* * *

**

**Moony!**

**_Do the words "take notes" mean anything to you, Padfoot?_**

**I think Prongs will have another go at Miss Lily today.**

**_What makes you say that?_**

**Well, the fact that he's writing variations of her name all over his notes is a clue.**

_Mr. Wormtail wants to put 3 sickles on the "Kill Each Other in a Day" option if you'd be so kind, Mr. Padfoot._

**But of course, Mr. Wormtail.**

**

* * *

**

**Hospital Wing: Patient Log**

**Name of Patient: _Potter, James  
_****Injuries: _Welt on back of head, dislocated left shoulder  
_****Cause of Injuries: _Suspected spell damage_**

**

* * *

**

_Potter's being scary again._

**_Scary how?_**

_Scary like a stalker._

**_James isn't stalking you Lily._**

_Oh, he so is._

**_Even if he is, he isn't scary about it._**

_Says who?_

**_Well, he hasn't started making dolls out of strands of your hair yet. That's good, right?_**

_He asked me out again today._

**_What, to go to Hogsmeade?_**

_Indeedy do._

**_What did you do?_**

_I Stunned him, and he fell into a broom closet._

**_Was the closet door open?_**

_It is now._

* * *

**A Notice From… the Desk of Professor J.F. Vance, Arithmancy**

**Cause for Notice: **Disciplinary action

**Notes: **Students Evans, Lily and Sheridan, Ambrosia were caught passing notes in class. Suitable punishment: essay. Furthermore, evidence has surfaced pinning Miss Evans as the culprit of the attack on Potter, James. Suitable punishment: Cleaning the trophy room sans magic.

* * *

_From the Diary of Lily Catherine Evans  
__October 12th, 1976  
__7:38 PM_

_Why is it that when I'm stuck hopping scotch for hours at a time due to Potter and his idiot friends, he isn't punished, but when I have a teeny, tiny anger management issue I'm stuck cleaning the trophy room?_

_There is a severe lack of proper law and order in this school._

* * *

What do you think we should name our children?

**What? Prongs, I understand I'm a very attractive guy, but-**

Not yours and mine, you dolt, mine and Lily's!

**_Prongs. She slammed you forcefully into a closet the other day. A CLOSED, LOCKED closet._**

I know, it was like the sexiest thing EVER.

_You're mental._

Guilty as charged. Now, as for our children…

**Now that is a truly frightening thought.**

**_What, you don't want to be Uncle Padfoot?_**

**Have you HEARD James' plan for disciplining his kids?**

No.

**_I'm intrigued._**

Fine. Right. So you buy a litter of puppies for your kids when they're small, and have done something good. That's positive reinforcement, which is good. I like that.

_**And?**_

And then when they do something wrong, you kill a puppy.

_That's awful!_

**_Hey, Prongs?_**

Yes?

**_If a puppy does something wrong, do you kill a child?_**

Hmm… never thought about that.

**And this is why James Potter should never, ever procreate.**

**_Amen._**

* * *

How do you feel about "Harry"?

**For god's sake, Prongs, give it a rest.**

**

* * *

**

**Watch Log of Argus Filch- **14 October

(12:00 PM) Sirius Black has not made any attempts to go into Hogsmeade, despite his being barred this trip for replacing all the 6th year girls in Hufflepuff's perfume with an aphrodisiac.

His obedience is disturbing, must look into it.

(12:35 PM) Black nowhere to be found, must assume he's in his dormitory.

I'll get the little blighter for something.

* * *

_From the Diary of Lily Catherine Evans  
__October 14th, 1976  
__9:55 PM_

_Bought a lovely new quill in Scrivenshift's, can't wait to use it. I really should get over my nasty habit of chewing on them, it's rather disgusting._

_Or so I'm told._

_Jamie Redwall asked me out when I was in the Three Broomsticks. I almost said yes just because Potter was sitting like three feet away (he is SO stalking me, I don't care what Ambrosia says) but I figure that that isn't the way to emotional satisfaction, so I turned him down._

_On a related note, I saw Sirius Black in the Three Broomsticks, too. I thought that he was stripped of Hogsmeade privileges because of the whole sex!perfume thing… I'll have to look into that._

_The little pervert. I'll be you anything, my little non-existent friend, that it was Potter's idea._

_And now I'm talking to an inanimate object as though it was a person._

_I have strayed far from the path to emotional satisfaction._

* * *

SUGGESTIONS WELCOME!

**Note: I am not taking bets regarding Lily and James from reviewers at the moment, because we know that James and Lily don't start dating until seventh year, so it wouldn't be fair.**

**The betting pool will open, however, when the timing is more appropriate.**


	4. Of Love, Loss, and Halloween

Disclaimer: I own Ambrosia, Jane and Megan. I quote Sports Night.

Esther: thanks, glad you like it!

Eternalhope08: Heh, a lot of people like that part.

EverVengeful: Oh my GOD, charminglyholly is one of my FAVORITE authors, thank you SO MUCH! What a compliment, wow! Poor Ginny… not allowed to eat her hat…

Katweena: not a half bad idea, actually… I will keep that in mind for later.

Andivari: Always.

Aleana loves who: Mr. Padfoot is witty like that. Mr. Padfoot will also be getting his arse kicked for that one day.

AutumnBreeze25: thanks!

Missy mee: woohoo, I'm interesting!

Starrcrost: Yes, that bit amused me, as well.

TheDeathChamber: that was taken from an actual conversation, believe it or not.

Bograt: hey, me too. That's the joy of being one's own editor.

Refallen: glad you're enjoying this!

Kaleidoscope0-0eyes: glad you're enjoying this- and I love the name, by the way.

PsychoLeopard: James would be the best Dad ever- NOT.

Cutiepinkangel: hee, thanks!

GreenMeansGo: Hahahaha, I love your name.

FloatingBubble: Any chance you want to share some cookie?

Luvguurl: thanks!

T w i s t e d 1 0 1: Thanks ever so much.

J.E.A.R.K.Potter: Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer, it means a lot.

Machiavelli Jr: Yeah, I got the original idea for this fic from TNQLL, and Limelight is one of my heroes. I think I say that in the first disclaimer… yes, I do. And thanks for telling me so civilly instead of just flaming me- I admire your class.

Procrastinator-starting2moro: I didn't come up with it, this guy I know did. It amused me endlessly, so I put it in, and now it's like everyone's favorite part of the chapter…

Candy Cane Jones: Woohoo, I'm on someone's favorite stories! I love it when that happens.

Bucky Katt Rocks: Surprise! I'm in your in-box!

Maraudersgurlheart: thanks!

Huntregurl: I'll keep that in mind.

Aduck8myshoes: the only problem is that, because I use italics and bolding to replicate handwriting, Lily and Peter both have the same "handwriting"- so does McGonagall, which you see in this chapter.

Shoofly: Hey look, another shout-out! Get used to them- you keep reviewing, I'll keep responding. The puppies thing was something a friend of mine said, morbidly enough. His girlfriend, however, is smart enough to smack him when he goes onto tangents like that. She then refers to them as "our children" which horrifies him… hehehehe… commitment phob.

Zippingzephyr: thanks, I try

Genuinescence: Yeah, that's something my friend said once… we don't let him near dogs anymore.

Marvinlebt42: Not a half-bad idea… and maybe I'll have Lily babysit a young Steve some summer… MAYBE.

Silvain Star- anime fan: thanks!

-ShIvErInG sMiLe- damn loopholes…

_

* * *

_

_From the Diary of Lily Catherine Evans  
__October 21st, 1976  
__7:34 PM_

_Today has been very interesting to say the least. _

_I got a letter from Mum and Dad this morning, giving me details about Petty's wedding ("the centerpieces are just divine, Lily!" ) and asking me about school ("How's that fighting class of yours, Defense something, the one with the new teacher?") and it made me feel very guilty as it's late October and I haven't written them at all yet. _

_Potter saw me writing in here the other day, and now he won't stop bothering me about it._

_Like right now for example._

_Just told Potter that if he didn't stop bothering me, I'd give him detention. He countered by telling me that he already had detention, so I put a Silencio charm on him, which causes temporary relief but I will pay for it with a double helping of the old Potter charm later, I'm sure. Hmm, sarcasm doesn't translate well to the written page, does it?_

_Ah, now his friends are glaring at me. Except Remus, because he doesn't do things like that._

_At least, not to my face. _

_I'll just have to avoid the lot of them for a while. In fact, I'll try and make it permanent._

_Hmm. I seem to have made a lot of goals for myself in this entry, so I'm just going to make it easier:_

_1. Ignore Potter & Company to the best of my ability.  
2. __Stop writing in diary while in public, as certain people are starting to become rather too interested in it for my tastes.  
3. __Write to Mum and Dad._

* * *

Hey, did you hear about Honeydukes?

_**What about it?**_

They're coming out with a new candy for Halloween- they're called Cauldron Cakes.

_Do tell._

Well, the advert says they are "delightful and delicious." That's funny, so am I.

**You keep telling yourself that, Prongs. Actually, Madame Rosmerta will be having a Halloween special down at the Three Broomsticks all this week, now that you mention it.**

**_Oh?_**

**Yep. If you come wearing something blue, you get two sickles off a giant blue margarita.**

You know, Padfoot, I'm fairly well off, I think I can afford to wear what I like and pay full price.

**Well, I'm not so much promoting the economic upside as I am promoting the idea of drinking something giant and blue.**

Point.

_**You know who else is having a Halloween special?**_

_Who?_

_**Celestina Warbeck- new album.**_

God I hate that woman. She's got no range and you can hardly understand a word she says.

_**All the makings of a professional singer.**_

**Mr. Padfoot is curious: what thoughts do you lads have for Mischief Night this year?**

Mr. Prongs is ashamed to admit that he has not given it much thought, as he has been far too busy with his personal life.

_Mr. Wormtail can only say at this time that he hopes sincerely that this year's mischief will not conclude in the four of us cleaning out bed pans in the Hospital Wing._

_**Mr. Moony hopes to avoid the Hospital Wing completely, and advises his fellows to forgo their annual Mischief Night marauding.**_

**That's because Mr. Moony is a goody-two-shoes.**

_**I most certainly am not.**_

**Yes you are. "You there, you're not coloring in between the lines, that could be very dangerous! You sir, walking and chewing gum at the same time can cause accidents! You may get cavities. Miss, your shoes are a bit high, that can be hazardous and can even cause lower back problems!"**

_**60 years from now when you come visit me in the nursing home, I am so going to run over your toes with my rocking chair.**_

* * *

**A Notice From… the Desk of F. K. Flitwick, Charms**

**Cause for Notice:** Disciplinary action

**Notes:** Pettigrew, Peter and Potter, James will be writing lines with me tonight because they interrupted class with their raucous laughter. What it was that was so funny bares further investigation.

* * *

_From the Diary of Lily Catherine Evans  
__October 25th, 1976  
__11:56 PM_

_Things have been an absolute mess lately, but for once, it isn't Potter or Black's fault._

_Jane has closed the curtains on her bed and refuses to speak to Megan (who is sleeping in the fifth year's dormitory tonight to get away from her), because Megan apparently "stabbed Jane in the heart with a rusty dagger" by agreeing to go out with Ryan Fletchley without Jane's permission. Consequently, Jane's taken to moaning pitifully like that ghost in the second floor loo and trying to share her romantic woes with Ambrosia and I, and the only way I got her to shut up was, ironically, suggesting that she put all of her thoughts and feelings about the incident into diary in order to achieve emotional satisfaction. That was a truly spectacular run on sentence._

_I've found that the goals I put at the end of that last entry were very helpful, and I'll try and do them often._

_Jane just asked us what rhymes with "misery." _

_Goals:_

_1. Reconcile Jane and Megan- for my and Ambrosia's sanity, if nothing else  
2. __Look into activities and Potter and Black- prolonged innocence is sketchy.  
3. __Improve sentence structure- must learn to avoid run-ons, no matter how stressed I may become.  
4. __Look up rhymes for "misery."_

* * *

_I've had a thought about Mischief Night._

**Not a brill idea?**

_No, just a thought._

Proceed, Mr. Wormtail.

_Well, instead of doing one big prank, why not do a series of little pranks- save the big blowout for next year, go out with a bang?_

**Mr. Wormtail, I like the way you think.**

_**Here we go again…**_

* * *

_From the Diary of Lily Catherine Evans_  
_October 29th, 1976  
__10:00 p.m._

_Jane's in her bed crying like the world' ended because Ryan Fletchley dumped her for Deborah Finch (whom he's fancied for ages, so I don't know why he went out with Jane anyway) and Megan's still not speaking to her because she agreed to go out with Ryan Fletchley in the first place. Consequently, Jane has decided she needs neither boy nor best friend. However, this gritty resolution has not stopped her from weeping inconsolably._

_10:25 p.m._

_The inconsolable weeping has dwindled to sniffles, and I'm pretty sure I've seen her poke her head out from behind the curtains of her bed a few times to look at me expectantly. Ambrosia's at Quidditch practice, so I suppose I should go over and talk to her._

_10:58 p.m._

_After a tearful apology and a ten-minute soliloquy on Megan's part about love and loss, Jane and Megan are reunited. This is a very good thing for Ambrosia and me, who may now get some peace, and a very bad thing for Ryan Fletchley and Deborah Finch, who are currently the subjects of excessive ridicule and slander._

_Goals:_

_1. Warn Finch and Fletchley about any attempts for their blood that may soon occur._

* * *

**A Notice From… the Deputy Headmaster's Office**

_The students who, in no particular order, managed to:_

_- Turn every notice on every bulletin board in the school upside down  
- __Replace all the suit's of armor's helmets with pumpkins and make them sing "The Monster Mash"  
- __Change the Slytherin Common Room décor to a pastel pink  
- __Reinstate the Charms corridor hopscotch squares  
- __Take away the entirety of the school's food store and give the house elves various kinds of candy as replacement_

_ will be found and punished severely. If anyone has any information regarding these pranks, we urge you to come forward._

_- M. McGonagall_

* * *

One more, lads?

**Yes, I think six will be perfect.**

* * *

**Staff Meeting Transcript:** Oct. 30, 1976 on the subject of "We Have Had Enough With all the F----- Pranks"

**Declaration 1:** Students Black, Sirius; Lupin, Remus; Pettigrew, Peter and Potter, James will be subject to inquiry regarding the painting of a clown costume onto the portrait of the Fat Lady, as well as the other pranks on which a school notice was issued this morning.

**Declaration 2:** Quote, Minerva McGonagall If there is another prank – ever – in the history of this school, I am not to be held responsible for what I do. End Quote

* * *

**Ah... greetings, young truth seeker. I see you have found your way to my lair. How... brave... you must be. Sit, sit, young truth seeker! Once you have entered Mr. Padfoot's lair, Mr. Padfoot's tale you must hear. Or read. It is a tale of woe, a tale of horror, a tale of—**

**_Padfoot, what the hell are you doing? Pay attention to Professor McGonagall!_** **_–Mr. Moony_**

**Begone, foul party-pooper! You sully this sanctorum of terror!**

**_'Sanctorum of'-- Sirius, you're sitting in Transfiguration with you wand lit, and you're holding it under your chin. You think she won't notice?_**

You're killing the ambience, Moony! Quit it! - Prongs 

_Oh, is it scary story time? I want to hear the scary story. Or read it. Whatever. - Wormtail_

It's not a scary story! It's a twisted yarn of tragic, gruesome, horrific events which will test the courage of even the most stalwart of readers! Besides, we already know all we need to about Animagi, it's Halloween, and I want a damn scary story. Scary story me, Mr. Padfoot! – Mr. Prongs

**That I shall do, young truth seeker! Now, where was I?**

_A tale of woe and horror_.

_-- The only tale of woe and horror you will be telling any time soon, Mr. Black, will be your own. – McGonagall_

* * *

**A Notice From… The Deputy Headmaster**

_((Disciplinary action))_

_Black, Sirius; Lupin, Remus; Pettigrew, Peter and Potter, James will serve separate detentions helping Madame Pince shelf books for passing notes and disrupting class._

_

* * *

_

Is it just me, or was Trelawney being especially spooky today?

**It's just you. You aren't going to die in five years, Prongs. 'Betrayal among the best of friends,' what a load of rubbish… uh, why are we passing notes? It's lunch.**

Silence is golden.

**But me shouting and jumping about like a deranged monkey is more fun.**

* * *

**A Notice From… the Student Authority Center**

**Prefect Issuing Notice:** _Evans, Lily_

**Student Receiving Notice:** _Black, Sirius_

**Cause for Notice:** _Shouting and jumping about like a deranged monkey._

**Suitable Punishment:** _Owlery cleanup duty. _

_

* * *

_

Once DADA is done, there will be much Halloween feastage! Rejoice!

_**Ooh, I hope they have veal.**_

**Ew, no.**

_**What's wrong with veal?**_

**Let them grow up- THEN we can eat them. Poor baby cows, have you no remorse?**

I think it's just part of his furry little problem. I, for one, look forward to the hoarding of treacle fudge.

_You have yet to hoard any fudge, you've been saying that for years._

Is it my fault I can't stop eating it long enough to hoard it for later?

_

* * *

_

_**Dear Diary,**_

**_I am so full… I can't sleep because I can't roll over onto my stomach because it's going to burst if I put any pressure on it. Lily, however, is sleeping like a baby and possibly looks even thinner than she did before she wolfed down three pieces of chocolate cake. It isn't fair._**

_**Here is what I ate (inhaled?) at the feast (it was those damned house elves' cooking…I couldn't resist…):**_

_**- five slices of roast beef **_

_**- four different kinds of potatoes (baked, mashed, scalloped, roasted…)**_

_**- several types of pies (shepherd's, mince, etc.)**_

_**- a million servings of every kind of pudding known to man (not each, at least… I do have SOME restraint)**_

_**- 10 rolls (6 buttered, 4 not)**_

_**- one and a half slices of chocolate cake**_

_**- various tarts, custards, cookies**_

_**- three glasses of pumpkin juice, two mugs of hot chocolate with dessert**_

_**- a handful of Muggle candy corn Lily's mum sent by post**_

_**I think I am going to be sick.**_

_**Love, Ambrosia**_

_**PS- Lily says I should stop talking to my diary as if it were a person, but she does it too, so what does she know? **_

-

SUGGESTIONS WELCOME.


	5. Of Quidditch and Poetry

Disclaimer: I think you can recognize who is Jo's.

Augurey Song: I fixed the offending sentences—as for Trelawney, I'm surprised only two people called me out on this, I didn't make it very clear- she's a student who's in their class. Wow, that was a long sentence. As for gum- no, sorry, but I do offer a patch. It may just be easier to keep the addiction going, though, as I'm told I can be very amusing. And I charge a hefty fee for all cures…

Cyn: Well, if you insist.

Banjo: I always think it's great when I'm laughing at a fic and my mom asks me what's so funny, heh. Glad I'm amusing you.

Semi-CrazyWithaLittleWeirdness: Actually, no, it isn't, though people have told me they're similar. I got the idea from a fic of Limelight's which is BRILLIANT- so brilliant I had to nab a few plot points… :shifty eyes:

Procrastinator-starting2moro: "Arrogant yet adorable." The most accurate description of James I've seen yet.

Athena-Cedewyn: I read fics at school too… you're not alone.

Sheritra: Good call! Trelawney is, indeed, a student. You're one of two people to catch that- good eyes!

JosiJo03: Well, okay.

Heiress-To-The-Dark-Throne: Thanks!

Katweena: the betting tables are back! And thanks for telling people about this, I appreciate that!

Princessdza: 44 days to GoF!

Sequin: Thanks!

Cherry Chalk: Wow, thanks so much!

Candy Cane Jones: Mr. Padfoot's Evil Emporium? I like the way you think, Jones.

Tiger17lily: Glad you like it!

Marvinlebt42: Love you too, snuggle bunny. Meet me in Amsterdam?

Shoofly: Heh, the image of the Marauders armed with machine guns is disturbing yet so, so funny.

JACKIE: No, I haven't, but seeing as several people have said that, I will be sure to pick them up.

Bucky Katt Rocks: Well, I wish I knew who Georgia Nicholson was so I would know whether or not that was a complement… but I'm too lazy.

Silvain Star- anime fan: Well, fine.

Genuinescence: Taking from reality is often funnier than making stuff up- you just have to know where to look.

Classicreviewer: James is plaintext, Peter is italics, Sirius is bold, Remus is bold and italics.

Bograt: Well, be careful not to hurt yourself.

Esther: inhale and exhale, sweetheart.

* * *

Woohoo, Gryffindor vs. Slytherin in a week!

_**You're going to get creamed.**_

**Nonsense. Our team is beautiful and well-practiced.**

**_No, the girls on your team are beautiful and well-practiced, the men are idiots who think that resting on their laurels is perfectly acceptable._**

Shut up Moony, you're far too negative.

_**I prefer "realistic."**_

* * *

Gryffindor vs. Slytherin, November 7, 1976

Commentary by Alexei Benedict, annoted by his new invention the Quick Quotes Quill (Zonko's patent pending.)

Let it be noted that the esteemed Mr. Benedict will no longer advertise his product during matches or face detention with McGonagall.

The Quaffle is immediately taken by Gryffindor Chaser Ambrosia Sheridan- Sheridan flies the pitch, dodges a Bludger from Slytherin's Rabastan Lestrange, and it's Sheridan, Sheridan with the Quaffle, passes to James Potter- POTTER SCORES!

Now it's Potter, Potter to Byers, Byers passes- Potter falls short, and Jeremiah Snicket, of Slytherin…

Has the snitch been spotted? Gryffindor's new Seeker, Babs O'Toole, is making a dive-- Spencer Akins, of Slytherin, is right behind her—oh, O'Toole pulls up in a feint, better luck next time, Spencer, but Madam Pomfry will fix that arm up right quick…

Possession to Slytherin, it's Greengrass with the Quaffle- ouch, a well-placed Bludger from Sirius Black to the back of the head, and it's back to Potter- Potter passes to Byers- intercepted by Black- that would be Slytherin Chaser Regulus Black- and it's Black, passes to Greengrass, back to Black- ouch, bit of sibling rivalry there, a bludger to the back for Regulus from Sirius, but he's kept the Quaffle, he makes his attempt-

Gryffindor's Keeper Jordan Vovsi blocked it spectacularly, and it's back to Sheridan, no sight of the snitch yet- Sheridan to Byers—nice catch, Reid—and Byers to Potter, Potter fumbles, the Quaffle is caught by Greengrass, it's Craig Greengrass flying the pitch and- score! Gryffindor and Slytherin, tied 10-10.

So it's Greengrass, nice pass over to Snicket, ooh, too bad Potter was in your way, Craig, and it's Potter, rolls beneath a Bludger from Grimke of Slytherin- sweet move, James- and it's Potter to Sheridan, Sheridan with the Quaffle—she's throwing long- Tim Hawkins dives for it—GRYFFINDOR, 20 to 10!

Sheridan to Byers, and—Akins is shooting for the goal post, has he seen the snitch? O'Toole reluctant to follow, he may be trying to get her back for that feint- no, it's the Snitch! They're off, Akins with a good head start—Sheridan of Gryffindor scores, pay attention Hawkins, you're a Keeper- O'Toole and Akins are neck and neck—a Bludger from Black goes off course, hits Babs in the mouth- ouch- and Spencer Akins has the Snitch! 160 to 30, Slytherin.

* * *

_From the Diary of Lily Catherine Evans_  
_November 7th, 1976  
__11:24 PM_

_We lost the Quidditch game by like 130 points… Ambrosia's in a right state. I tried to cheer her up with the fact that she scored the most points tonight, but she quickly shot me down by pointing out that she only scored two goals._

_Well, if she's determined to be negative…_

_Potter really dropped the ball today (literally) and I'm hoping it will help take him off his high horse for a little while. It's not likely, but a girl can dream._

_Goals:_

_1. Cheer up Ambrosia.  
2. __Find was to humbilize Potter (?)  
3. __Look up the actual word that means "to make humble" because it obviously isn't humbilize._

* * *

Not one word out of you.

_**Of course not- I'm taking notes.**_

Shut up.

**I can't believe I hit Babsy in the mouth…**

_Pity- you were having quite a bit of fun with that mouth, weren't you Padfoot?_

**And the rest of her…**

_**Cad.**_

**Know-it-all.**

_**Man-whore.**_

**Tosser.**

If you can't play nice, then you can't play together. Now, Padfoot, I think I have just the thing to cheer you up…

_What, a prank?_

Wormtail! I'm appalled! We do not pull pranks! We… Padfoot?

**Produce feats of amazement that would impress even the most base of audiences?**

That's the one.

* * *

_Ambrosia, you're sulking._

_**Am not.**_

_Are too._

_**Yes, well, the boys have promised to cheer me up.**_

_Please tell me that when you say "the boys" you mean your little brothers. PLEASE._

_**Sorry, muffin, but no. I mean those lovely Marauder boys.** _

_It is my prefectly duty to stop them. And they aren't lovely. And don't call me muffin._

_**Prefectly isn't a word. Muffin.**_

Oh, this is lovely. Passing notes- my little rule-breakers. I'm ever so proud. May I call you Muffin, too? –James

_Not if you want to keep breathing. – Lily (NOT Muffin)_

* * *

**A Notice From… the Headmaster's Office**

**_Gryffindors-_**

_**As pleased as I am that you refuse to be discouraged after your loss in the Quidditch game on Saturday, it is rather inappropriate to post a giant banner in the Great Hall saying "Slytherins may've won, but we're prettier!" **_

_**I would appreciate it very much if whoever put it up would take it down, as it seems to be enchanted with a Permanent Sticking Charm, and none of the staff are able to remove it.**_

_**Yours, **_

_**Albus Dumbledore. **_

* * *

Mr. Prongs wishes to congratulate Mr. Moony on his fantastic Charms work.

_**Mr. Moony is sure that Mr. Prongs will get him expelled one day.**_

**Nonsense- we've made it this far, haven't we?**

_Honestly, Moony—have faith._

**_Fine, I suppose I may have a slight tendency to be a bit critical._**

Suppose?

_Slight?_

**A bit?**

_**Oh, shut up.**_

* * *

**A Notice From… the Caretaker's Office**

Professor, how long can students hang upside down by their ankles before they pass out?

- A. Filch

* * *

**A Notice From… the Deputy Headmaster**

_Mr. Filch, you know we do not condone those sorts of punishments at Hogwarts._

_Incidentally… about four hours._

_- M. McGonagall_

_

* * *

_

Oh, my lovely Rag-a-Muffin  
I… Lily, darling, I can't think of a rhyme for muffin that isn't tawdry. You have my sincerest apologies.

insert lovely poem here

Love, James.

* * *

_From the Diary of Lily Catherine Evans  
__November 12th, 1976  
__4:24 PM_

_Potter is now writing me poetry. Or at least, attempting to. The boy will pay._

_Goals:_

_1. Think of cruel and painful way to punish Potter for his severe lack of brains.  
2. __Enact the punishment  
3. __Should punishment fail, commit suicide  
4. __Try not to make suicide too messy or smelly, as that would make my untimely demise all the more upsetting to whoever found my body, which would be quite traumatic in of itself._

_Hmm. This is the first time I've had more goals than actual diary entry._

_5. Write more, plot less._

_

* * *

_

I talked to Lily today.

**Translation: I was stalking Lily today and she saw me in the bushes and asked what I was doing.**

Shut up. And no. She threatened to murder me, actually.

_What did you do?_

When she threatened me?

_No, to make her threaten you in the first place._

Write her poetry.

_**Oh, Prongs.**_

What?

_**I don't know. It just seemed like it deserved an "Oh, Prongs."**_

**I don't think that Lily's the poetry type, anyway.**

That's because you can't appreciate fine art.

**Hey, I could write poetry if I wanted to!**

_You can not. Last time you attempted rhyming you put "Bludger" and "lover" together. I think Ambrosia slapped you._

**Fine. I can write non-rhyming poetry. Like those Chinese things.**

_**If you mean haiku, those are Japanese.**_

**i think that i could  
write some stupid haikus if  
i tried very hard**

Wow. He actually wrote a legitimate haiku.

**Proud?**

_**More like astonished.**_

**Close enough.**

**

* * *

**

**A Notice from… the Student Authority Center**

**Prefect Issuing Notice: **_Evans, Lily_

**Student Receiving Notice: **_N/A ((Professor McGonagall))_

**Cause for Notice: **_I've come across evidence pointing to Potter, Black, Pettigrew and Lupin as the people who posted that Quidditch banner. I can't punish them, though, because it appears that either Potter or Black (usually both of them) already have punishments for other misdemeanors on all the prefect-sanctioned detention times for the next three weeks. What do I do?_

**Suitable Punishment: **_N/A ((That's the question, isn't it?))_

_

* * *

_

_Miss Evans-_

_While your concern for upholding the rules is admirable, it's obvious that these sorts of punishments are not getting through to those boys, and it's best that we just let it go, lest it get to us and we start stealing glances at the manacles in Mr. Filch's office._

_They'll grow up soon._

_- M. McGonagall_

_

* * *

_

**1. They Will Kill Each Other Within a Week: 7 bets  
2. Snogging in the Closet In a Week: 18 bets  
3. Kill Each Other Within a Day: 32 bets  
4. Snogging in the Closet In a Day: 2 bets**

**Interesting indeed… if James can survive the week, perhaps he will be rewarded…**

**

* * *

**

**SUGGESTIONS WELCOME.**


	6. Of Psychiatry and Word Association

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it doesn't belong to me.

* * *

_**Well lads, I've done the math.**_

_What math?_

_**Our math.**_

We have math?

_**Yes. Exactly every 17.4 times we break a school rule, we actually get punished.**_

**Haha- the law cannot touch us! **

_**Keep in mind, Padfoot, that despite this mathematical truth you still have a detention every night this week.**_

We're prodigies. And I'm astounded at you, Mr. Moony, for actually instigating a note-passing for once.

**By george, Mr. Prongs, you're correct!**

Indubitably.

**What brings on this sudden penchant for mischief in our most responsible of friends? Is it getting to be that time of the month, Mr. Moony?**

_**No. And that's not funny. To answer your question, I find Astronomy to be a rather trivial subject, and I don't know how you convinced me to take NEWT Astronomy. It's totally unnecessary.**_

_Because Prongs decided we all have to take as many classes together as possible._

**I agree with Mr. Moony. If we want to spend time together, why didn't we all drop this class? Astronomy is boring.**

_But this is what your whole family is named after. It isn't at least slightly amusing to constantly hear your name?_

**No, because I always think Professor Sinistra is talking to me and she isn't.**

How terrible. And we're taking Astronomy because it gives us an excuse to come up to the Tower with the ladies.

**What ladies, Prongs? The only lady you'd want to take up to the tower is Lily.**

_**And if memory serves, she threw a BOOK at you last time you suggested it.** _

_Which broke your jaw._

Don't cloud the issue with the facts. Lily loves me.

_**She just doesn't know it yet?**_

Exactly. I always knew you were smart, Mr. Moony.

* * *

_From the Diary of Lily Catherine Evans  
__November 24th, 1976  
__7:47 P.M._

_An excerpt from a conversation just held between Potter and myself:_

_Him: "So, Evans."_

_Be still me heart. What a charmer. What scintillating wit._

_Me: "What do you want Potter?"_

… _granted, not very witty either…_

_Him: "Only the pleasure of your company. I was thinking you might like to go out with me this Saturday."_

_Now, at this point I started laughing. I couldn't help it._

_Me: "laughing No, you didn't."_

_And of course he's all confused._

_Him: "Oh, but I'm pretty sure I did."_

_Me: "No, you didn't. Because you're not stupid."_

_Him: "Why thank you."_

_Me: "An insufferable git, yes, but stupid, no. And you'd have to be stupid to think that, given our history, I would ever, barring a piano or a safe falling on my head, want to go anywhere with you, ever."_

_And then he just smirked at me in that smug way and left. Ugh._

_His failure to be discouraged in the face of constant rejection must surely be a sign of mental illness. I mean, only a bloke who is absolutely starkers (i.e. Potter) would continue to ask out a girl (i.e. me) who has never once said yes to him after two years' worth of attempts._

_It would be almost endearing if he wasn't such a smarmy wanker._

_Goals:_

_1. Avoid Potter  
2. __Look into the symptoms of mental retardation and/or dementia to see if Potter is actually suffering from some sort of illness, in which case I suppose he should be pitied, not scorned.  
_

_But I'm not going out with him, even if he is mad. Insanity does not balance the scales._

_3. While I'm looking at psychiatry texts, take a look at self-actualization… continue on the path to emotional satisfaction, regardless of the advances of the Tactless Wonder._

_

* * *

_

**Hey Moony, let's play word association. I'm bored.**

**…_Fine. You'll start?_**

**Sure. Ready?**

_**Go.**_

**Sauerkraut.**

_**What?**_

**Who?**

_**No, "what" wasn't my word, it was an exclamation.**_

**That violates the rules, Moony. You shall have to be punished**

_**I'm more worried about your mental health than my punishment.**_

**I'm sure I don't know who you're talking about.**

_**What kind of a person starts on the word "sauerkraut?"**_

**A dashing, handsome, and utterly brilliant type, I'm sure.**

_**And how do you measure that, Mr. Padfoot?**_

**Well, how do you follow up to a word like sauerkraut? You can't. And thus, I win.**

_**You pick your words in advance to confuse your competitor?**_

**Precisely.**

_**That violates the very basis of word association. Thus, YOU must be punished. And far more severely than I.**_

**…Curses. Foiled again.**

_

* * *

_

**A Notice From… The Deputy Headmistress**

**Cause of Notice:** _Investigative action_

**Notes:** _Sirius Black and Remus Lupin were found hanging upside down outside the Great Hall. Mr. Black was sporting green skin, and an extra set of arms. When asked how it happened, they would say only that they were being "punished." While this is likely another one of their little in-jokes, measures should be taken to make sure there was no foul play from any student involved._

_

* * *

_

_Mars looks bright tonight._

This is Astronomy, Wormtail, not Divination.

_Obviously. I'm just saying. It's aligned with Alpha Centauri in an odd way, too. Look._

_**Huh. That is odd. You know, according to our old Divination text-**_

**You REMEMBER something from the text?**

_**I have an eidetic memory, Padfoot, it's not my fault. Anyway, according the text, the alignment will cause earthquakes, floods, and maybe even split our planet in two like a meat cleaver through a head of lettuce.**_

Is that a direct quote?

_**Not exactly.**_

**Well, in all fairness, that does seem like the sort of event you'd want to mark on your calendar. Thanks for the warning about the coming apocalypse, Wormtail.**

_Any time, Padfoot._

_

* * *

_

_**Dear Diary, **_

_**I live in an insane asylum. **_

_**These people should all be heavily medicated, put in their own padded cells with straight jackets and only come out once a day for socialization in a rec room with hand puppets and Ping-Pong tables.**_

_**Hmm. **_

_**Query: how does one use a hand puppet, or play Ping-Pong for that matter, while in a straight jacket?**_

_**Lily's reading a few books on psychology now, I think I'll ask her.**_

**…**

_**Apparently, only the REAL crazies use the jackets, and they don't get to socialize.**_

_**Note to self: try not to go bonkers, because then you have to be both insane and lonely.**_

_**Though I suppose if you're truly insane the voices in your head can always keep you company.**_

_**Love, Ambrosia**_

* * *

_So, what d'you lads think for Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff's match on Saturday?_

_**I'd go with Hufflepuff. Barry Ryan's a great captain, and a damn good Chaser.**_

Bollocks.

**Oh, be quiet Prongs. You just don't like Ryan because Lily likes him.**

Lily does NOT fancy him!

**I said likes, not fancies. And she certainly like him better than you.**

You're delusional. Lily and I share a deep and profound bond that she has merely failed to notice.

_Sure. And it's Padfoot who's delusional._

You shut up too, Wormtail. Moony, surely you're on my side?

_**I abstain from commenting.**_

So you don't think Lily and I share a deep and profound bond?

_**I'm sure Lily feels very deeply and profoundly for you, Prongs.**_

Ha!

_**I'm just not sure those feelings are ones of affection.**_

You wound me with your words, Moony. Anyway, I'm going with Ravenclaw.

**Ha.**

You're that confident?

**Damn straight.**

Fine. We'll make a bet of it.

**Alright. I bet you a gazillion- nay, a FLOPPITY JILLION galleons that Hufflepuff will win on Saturday.**

You are so on.

_This cannot end well…_

* * *

**Gringotts Bank Transaction Sheet  
****27 November, 1976  
****7:02 PM**

**A request was received for the amount of a "floppity jillion" galleons to be transferred from vault 537 (Black, Sirius) to vault 713 (Potter, James). Research into the sum is being implemented.**

* * *

_From the Diary of Lily Catherine Evans  
__November 28th, 1976  
__10:14 PM_

_This sucks._

_Hufflepuff lost their Quidditch game to Ravenclaw, which put Barry Ryan in a bad mood, and since he's Head Boy, he gets to take it out on us prefects._

_Of course, the Ravenclaws got stuck with the worst load of work, but now Remus and I have to do two extra late-night patrols each month, and let me tell you, walking around at 3 in the morning in the FREEZING hallways, opening closet doors and breaking up snogging sessions is not my idea of a good time._

_Aren't Hufflepuffs supposed to be FAIR?_

_And of course I just KNOW that I'll be the lucky one to come across, say, Sirius Black trying to get to second with Babs O'Toole in the third floor corridor room that has the funny trapdoor that goes nowhere._

_Oh, wait, he and Babs broke up. So I suppose he'll be with some other bint when I come across him, then._

_Not that Babs is a slag. She's actually quite nice. Atrocious taste in men, but… nice. She also thinks that James Potter has "pretty eyes."_

_Excuse me while I projectile vomit._

_10:20 PM_

_You know, just to play Devil's Advocate… I suppose, from a purely objective standpoint, it could be argued that Potter does have pretty eyes. They're hazel, so they've got these flecks of green and tan, but there's this rim of blue around them that you can only see if you're standing really close that is interesting to look at._

…_this changes nothing. Pretty eyes and mental illness do not a boyfriend make._

_

* * *

_

**1. They Will Kill Each Other Within a Week: 16 bets  
2. Snogging in the Closet In a Week: 30 bets  
3. Kill Each Other Within a Day: 5 bets  
4. Snogging in the Closet In a Day: 5 bets**

**Fascinating results… could it be that the tenacious Miss Evans is weakening?**

* * *

Author's Notes: I know, I know, this chapter was far too short for such a long wait. School's been on me like a two-dollar whore. I promise that the next wait won't be so long. Pinky swear. 


End file.
